My Journey to finding me …. Little Sparks that shine within the darkness ( part 3)

Nov.27, 2013 6:43 am

Well… it’s here , the first official snow day! My kids have been waiting since Sept for this momentous day! This is the day where I go into their rooms, and say ” Hey guys its a SNOW DAY” , and they do this really cute little teenager moan, roll over and ask me in the sweetest tone ” Can You turn My Light back Off?”

AHHH these are the moments ! haha

Our snow days were quite different! We made them the best days ever! No snow day went to waste!  When my parents first moved to Blue Point I was only a year old. There weren’t many families living there. My dad had to clear trees just to build our house. It was as rich in forests as it was  the beautiful lake Huron! It truly was the best place a kid could grow up  . Especially kids like us , who were wild and free, running half naked, no shoes, climbing trees!

sometimes, I  close My eyes and  feel the wind on My face, the sunshine tickling My eyelids , warming my whole body. I’ll get butterflies in my stomach when this happens. It feels like at that exact moment and time the past and future come together as one, and there I stand in its presence as I was and as I am . I can feel the cold clay on my feet as I’m walking down the path to the water.  It’s amazing to me how a place becomes so much a part of you! . . That one tree you always sat under, the one bush you made your fort in , the field you’d walk through to get to the old abandoned cabin.

Blue Point rock was’nt just a rock! it was like our Mascot hahah ya a rock! .. You would have to walk along the beach shore for what seemed forever when I was eight but really was just down the way.. It wasn’t the distance it was the walk there, so many rocks that you had to climb over , slip on , and the conversations you had with your friends along the way . We felt like we were the world, that this was the only place worth being, that we owned this land! Blue point rock was this huge massive, well rock  that all the kids in the neighborhood would climb and spray paint their names on. It was like a passage!

Every time I feel lost , its the first place I think about going back to. When nothing in my life makes sense , unsure of who I am , perhaps you’d find me there. The one place that holds all my history, all my secrets, It knows exactly who I am and maybe If I walk down that clay path and feel it on my bare feet, and I walk along the shore till I reach blue point rock, climb and sit upon it , maybe the essence of who I am will flow from it and move through me, awakening all those parts I have forgotten, like an old lullaby that gently rocks you back and forth, soothing your aches and worries like a mothers heart beat to a crying baby. Could it be the one cure to a lost broken soul? Maybe I’ll go back there one day and take that walk, run my fingers over my name, and remember all that has been lost.

Even though my brother and I were born with ” disabilities”  I’m literally making the finger quotes here, because you can say disabilities but I’m sorry thats just a word someone made up because they cant define the differences any other way. We didn’t let it  hold us back from doing anything any other kid could or would do  Ok correction the one thing I couldn’t do was tie him to a rope and hoist him up into a tree… but he would crawl out of his chair and sit under the tree as I climbed further and further into its canopy , and we would talk about everything and anything . Thinking back now , these are the mixed blessings in my life. We may have struggled in so many ways , but when I climbed that tree, felt the wind on my face, the sunshine warming my heart, it was breathing strength into my soul. And all that my brother couldn’t touch I would touch extra, so I could give back to him.

I will never forget propping a pillow on my BMX bike , I would put his legs through the handle bars, and his back against the pillow, balancing him on the bar. I’d bike with him all over the place, through the bush trails , to all our friends houses, he went every where we did. I was as excited as he was when he got his first motorized wheel chair .. HORSE POWER??? AWESOME!!! .. I would gather all my dads ties, tie them together , throw on my roller skates, ya it was the 80’s! I would take my homemade tie rope ( thanks dad) and fasten it onto the back bar of his chair and he’d pull me all round blue point… I was so cool! hahah! .This is how we grew up, not like today where fear and worry plague us on a daily basis.

My parents gave us the best childhood they possibly could , and with all the pain and sadness we endured over the years there are so many amazing moments and memories that happened under that roof  , Our little house, snuggled in the bush. These were the blessings that made us strong and gave us a chance in life.

Starting school is always difficult for any child, but I will never forget my very first day of Jk.  Holding my moms hand so tight , looking around the room at the other kids. I didn’t want to stay. The teacher picked me up and my mom walked away, Like every mother has to do on their child’s first day! I think the only reason I remember this is because I kicked her and I felt really bad for doing it , but I honestly didn’t want to stay. I wanted to go back to my home, where everything looked the same, none of these people were there, and didn’t smell like this. There are three things I remember about JK……. Not wanting to be there, kicking my teacher and her asking me to show my back brace to another mother. See I was the very first kid in that school to sport plastic!

In grade one I remember being so nervous to start . This was totally my sisters fault. They both had the same grade one teacher, remember they are seven and nine years older than me , and I’d like to say this without being disrespectful , but the woman was old!  They teased me about it and told me she smelled Old. Here I am starting grade one , and I don’t even know what ” OLD” smells like..

Im nervous and its all because I feared that when she walked past my desk I would give in to the temptation and take a little sniff! …Come on .. I was in grade one!

Well I’ll tell you , she didn’t smell old!

She was a great teacher bless her soul.   I would like to say to her ” Thank You ” , thank you for telling me I did a really good job on my Math sheet! that was such a special day for me .. Those words felt so good, like being handed an ice cream cone, getting a little taste before your dog jumps up and snatches it.. so thank you for that little bit of sugar! You were my Glinda The “Good witch of the North”.  You gave me a spark to hold on to when I was being removed from my classroom in Grade two to receive extra help from the “Wicked Witch of the West”.

I’m not going to use her name, because even though her words haunt me, and she’s the reason I’d cry  every night knowing I had to do it all over again the next day. She is also the Reason Why I am so understanding and nurturing as a mother and a friend !

She would center me out every chance she got . Telling me I was stupid, that I would never grow up to be anything . That I looked like a boy, and she would spank us when we got things wrong. She had been a nun before , and I remember this confused me more then ever because her tone and words didn’t match my vision of a nun. My parents really should have filled me in! I remember just shaking, thinking to myself , don’t look at her , don’t make eye contact, just sit here and do your work.  I would ask God ” Please don’t let her ask me anything , Nothing , just please God , just one time, I’ll be so good. This was the beginning of  my self doubt.

Just before I started going to resource and visiting her Witches Lair, I was still the bubbly full of life whopping 40 pound fire cracker! I loved singing and I would put on concerts in my bedroom all the time . One time I was singing my heart out to Teddy Ruxpin, standing on top of my dresser and I had this awesome Idea that I was going to take it one step further! I was going to claim my star!

The next day I went into My principals office and asked him If I could get up on stage and sing a song at the next assembly! He was a little surprised but had a huge smile on his face and  I walked out of there feeling like a super star! I went home and practiced over and over, I told my mom and dad That I was putting on a show at the school! . My mom told me I had to practice in front of them , I had to get out my jitters! I think she just wanted to make sure my act had no weird moves or things she may be questioned about later ! …So I did, I showed them my moves and they approved . The next assembly I sat there all nervous…  looking around…. ” Ok this is it , Im going to do this , ughh I don’t feel so good, maybe I wont, no I can’t” …. then there it was , My principal announcing that ” today we have a special treat” ohh my god , he means me , I’m the special treat! … So I stood up , swallowed my stomach and walked up to the front, climbed the stairs and took my place on stage… with no music, no back up singers and no previous concert experience, I opened my mouth and began to sing …

” eyes of blue, five foot two”

oochie boochie

woochie woo ,

Has anybody seen my..

I say has anybody seeeeeeenn my girl!?”

then ..

I said ” Thats it, and bowed…

Everyone clapped .. and I could breathe again… My sister was in grade eight and she was probably thinking oh my god what the hell is she doing! The funniest thing  about it , is that the assembly had NOTHING to do with any type of entertainment !

He came into my classroom as we were getting ready to go for recess, and he put his hand on my shoulder and said ” you did a beautiful job Cara” and my tummy filled with butterflies and it felt so good. I slid my arm through my peach knitted sweater and went out to play. I remember that sweater, the color, the feeling of putting it on, everything about that moment felt so good!

I want to say “Thank You” to my principal,” Thank you” for being what a principal should be . “Thank you for hearing a little girls wish to sing for everyone, and “Thank You” for giving her a stage! And My God “Thank You” for telling her she she did a beautiful job!  You gave her another memory , another little spark to hold on to in her times of darkness. And I did, I held on to it so tight. Like when I was chosen to read a Scripture at church and I was so nervous, but I got up there and I read it , I stuttered on a few words, and I was so embarrassed . What hurt the most was over hearing my teacher and the wicked witch talking about how I screwed up and how embarrassing it was.. They must not have seen me standing there! … It was his words that I held on to when I was being told I was stupid because I couldn’t remember what some character in a story was doing on page 23.

Thank god for a gentle breeze on a hot summer day,

thank god for a warm fire on cold winters day,

Thank god for the first bloom in spring,

All these mixed blessings in my life , these individual links, created a chain that I held on to as my life took such crazy twist and turns.  I would hold onto these tiny sparks with all my might, try and squeeze out every bit of light,  for my life as I knew it was about to be changed forever….

to be continued ………..

To be continued