My Journey to Finding Me .. ( Part 1)

Lately I have been trying to make sense of my life, like millions of other people, I’m  searching for truth, reason, a little peace of mind! I started on this journey  reaching out to others, sharing their stories and there is one thing I am beginning to see and truly feel to my core! People are amazing and so inspirational. Every single one of us has a story and all the answers are within the pages, the mess, the good, the bad, and the ugly. I realized that before I could find my own true answers, my journey had to take me inward … If I was ever going to find myself I  would have to go back to where it all began.

I grew up in a little village  on the lake surrounded by Bush! My childhood consisted of pretending I was a mermaid on my own island or  an Indian running through the forest. Making my teepee, ready to defend my territory from invaders at any moment. With my hand made booby traps and ropes, just incase they needed to be tied to a tree! Of corse this all ended when our parents let out their distinctive ” Get your ass Home” Calls .  My one friend had a cow bell, One friends dad had this certain whistle and my mom had the good old fashion frog horn.. At least thats what I called it ! It makes me laugh now to think back and picture all of us standing still in the bush, listening to see which one of us had to leave first !

I was a free spirit from the day I was born. A mind of my own, and a mouth full of words I had only heard but didn’t understand, but I knew they sure made my Dad feel  better!  I was born  different from my friends . God shorted me eight ribs on my left side, and made my spine look more like a snake then a straight stick!… But I didn’t feel different ! I remember my dad always helping me go to the bathroom when I was very little , he would place his hand on my side to keep it from bulging out as I bravely pushed out my moms homemade cooking. This was when I realized “wow look what I can do”!  I knew if I took in some air and pushed,  my whole side would stick out like a big balloon!  I seen this as an opportunity to make some quick cash! I became the freak show of Blue Point! ” Hey you wanna see something cool”? Show me your lute! With a pocket full of change and 10 packs of jaw breakers , I thought to myself, ” Yep this is a good day”!

My younger Brother was born Two years after me . God really shorted him! When he was born the Doctors said he only could stay for twelve hours and my parents would have to say good-bye! Well he must have really liked it here because he is thirty-six years old now! After he made it past the first twelve hours, then  twenty-four hours, my parents decide “okay he’s a fighter and we need to help him in any way we can”! I think he was a fighter before he even got here! He was born with Spina Bifida , His back an open wound and God gave him broken legs! I don’t remember my brother being born I was only two years old. What I do remember is playing with him on the living room floor and how he would scoot around instead of crawl or walk. It never bothered me, I just scooted too! I was happy to have a playmate. My sisters were a lot older then me, seven and Nine years older! Now that I think about it , I could be a ” tequillaOOps” baby!

God may have shorted each of us in slightly different ways, but together we were a force to be reckoned with! Our infinite bond grew stronger and stronger every single day ! I became so protective over my little brother and Him over me! We were inseparable . Until the day they took him  away .My mom told me he was going to stay at the hospital  for a while ,well, my moms idea of awhile was weeks and weeks , my idea of awhile was five minutes! My bed felt  so empty, we had shared a room since I could remember , there was no one to play ” statues with”  a game we made up where you freeze your pose and then the other person has to guess what you are. There was no one to sing my made up songs to especially the really sad one that would always make us cry

” Don’t cry dear family,, I will see you in your dreams

I have to go where love finds me ,

this is not where I’m supposed to be! ”

This always made him cry, so when I was feeling extra sweet and wanted to make him laugh, I’d change the last line to  ” In a big apple tree” …

To this day I don’t know why I made that song up or why I felt the need to sing it every night before we went to sleep!

But there I was in my bed all alone, and  looking back now , I believe this is when the Night terrors began and everyone in my house started to have restless nights! I would wake up screaming , curled up in a ball in the corner of my room, shivering and just filled with terror! My mom would come in and settle me back down, try and tell me it would be all right , but nothing was all right. Part of me was missing , and that part of me was sleeping in a hospital bed in some place that seemed so far away .

When  my parents took me to visit him, I was so excited and I just couldn’t wait to see him,  jumping up into his bed, laying beside him, looking at all the candy he had got, and the food they had brought for him to eat. And the popsicles oh my god the popsicles I was jealous ! I was so happy to have my little brother back . I wanted to stay there forever by his side , because without him I wasn’t whole but with him everything was okay. We played and had fun, talked and laughed . He would say a funny Knock Knock joke, it was always the same one

” knock, knock, Who’s there? Orange! “Orange Who?”Knock knock , you know the one !  It didn’t matter how many times he told it , those familiar words and  sound of his voice comforted me like a nice warm blanket  and I was so happy to hear him say orange like twenty times !  The world was perfect and nothing could hurt us! Until I heard the Words ” Cara its time to go”.  What? Go where? Its time to go home! . I was excited for a minute until my heart broke into a thousand pieces as I realized that they meant time for ME to go home Not my little brother .

I can tell you this , the feelings that rushed through me still haunt me to this very day.  As I sit here writing this ,  I’m shaking and my eyes  are filled with tears! “I have to leave him” ? . I was in the elevator going down, and it literally felt like my heart had made it to the first floor before the rest of my body! I couldn’t understand why they would take me there, tease me like that , hurt me like that , then rip him away from me all over again. He’s all alone, noone is there with him, who will play statue with him? who will sing him ” don’t cry dear family?  This was the beginning of many times , where I had to walk away from my little brother and leave him behind!

to be continued….