My journey to finding me Part 5
April 1 st. 2018
when the lights go out ….
This morning I recieved a message from my sister saying that the Nurses think todays the day Dads going to pass away . I sit here tears running down my face , my stomach in knots . I’m not sure how to feel , what to say , what to do . How did we get to this point ? How did this happen ? When did my super hero loose his powers ? How do you even process this ? All those years gone by , what does it even mean ? Dads passing away . The reality of that statement is just something I can’t hold onto without feeling like I’m suffocating . my head spinning flooding with memories of my dad and my childhood . They come ripping through me , each one taking a chunk of my heart out , biting and tearing it into a million tiny pieces.
Closimg my eyes , my mind takes me back to the time my dad picked me up from my Aunt and Uncles . I had been up North camping with them . It was such an amazing place to go as a kid . Right on the water , we would catch worms and fish all day . Chasing frogs swimming in the marsh . It was just like home but cooler becasue it wasn’t just home it felt so far away .
I knew something was wrong when my dad called my aunt up there , I got on the phone with him and could hear his voice cracking , like he was trying to hide something . He didn’t sound like his normal self . I could hear pain in his voice but still trying to be strong . That day I saw him driving down the gravel road towards me is as clear as yesterday . The car slowly pulling into the laneway . He smiled at me but his face had changed . There was a sadneSs in his eyes . He looked worn out and tired .
I got in the car and we drove away . Driving down the same roads I had driven down my entire life . I knew every bend , every turn , there is something so calming about driving down an old familar road . The road home . This was the road that took me home every single day . But this day , this day was diferent . This day the old familar road would never look the same to me , it would never feel the same ever again . For this day was the day my dad uttered the words “ your mother and I are getting divorced” I can’t remember anything else he said becasue i had just started to cry . I heard nothing after that and when I looked out the window and as everything Passed me by that was once familar to me seemed like nothing now . Like I had never been there before . I closed my eyes and laid on my dads lap crying . I did what I would do so many times before .with my eyes still closed I would try to see the road in my mind , as I felt the car move around the bend I could feel exactly where we were . I could do this all the way home , this time I fought so hard to know where we were , I was trying to feel like I did the day before when everything in my world was perfect ! I just wanted to go back to that day , just 5 min back even …. take me 5 min back to when I didn’t know any of this and life was perfect .
Why was I having this memory come to me now as I’m sitting here crying over the reality that im loosing my dad . I can’t loose him !!! How is this even happening right now . I have to go !!!!!! I need to be there !!!! There’s so much I haven’t said !!!! I need more time !!!! He doesnt know how much I love him !!! I havent told him , I havent had enough time with him !!! I need to go I need to hug him I need him to hug me . I wish O could go back , even 5 min back to where he wasn’t dying today ….. I feel like everything is going black like when lights go out … please wait for me dad …. I still need you , I still have so much I need to say … hold on dad please wait for me …
dont go
My Journey To Finding me Part 4
|
TIME GOES BY SO FAST
2:55 am feb 20 2018
 Laying here unable to sleep , the crazy fog kept my niece , sisters and I stranded at my moms house after going up to the hospital to see my dad . He’s been diagnosed stage 4 liver failure . Its been 3 or 4 years since i’ve written anything in this book . So so so much has transpired , vaughns’ multiple near death / life saving surgery. Having to decide to risk surgery or go live out the rest of his time in hospice . falling in love , getting married to his earth angel .To me setting our home on fire , and the tragedy that came from that , my husband being diagnosed with a connective tissue disease no longer being able to work and in pain ever single day. To our eldest daughter zoe finding her prince charming and about to have our first grand child … but i’ll get to all of that …. driving home from the hospital in the fog with my siblings was like traveling backwards through time to a memory of when we were all in our dads company truck in a terrible snow storm .
We were coming back from a christmas party and he had us singing Carrols probably to keep us chilled out . It was funny because a man came over the CBC and said something like “ nice singing everyone , the cbc’s on “ one of us must’ve been sitting on the thingy or playing with it. One of those happy moments that for whatever reason was etched into my memory grid forever … seeing him strapped to a chair in a diaper cracking jokes with a southern african accent was def the most surreal feeling. I couldn’t help but feel sad for where his choices led him, angry over all the years we’ve missed because of those choices , but still longing to tell him everything that was going on in my life. Maybe he would bestow some life altering wisdom , a tiny little spark that i could hold onto when i honestly don’t know how I’m going to make it through the next day . Really i just want to fall into his arms have him hold me and tell me every things going to be alright . But sitting there next to him tonight , seeing his weak old arms and his inability to keep my name straight, the pain that came with the realization it wasn’t ever going to happen , gutted me . All these years I’ve spent wishing and waiting were all behind me . The memories of the man my father once was and my childhood echoes of laughter flowed out the door along with that dream. As I sat there starring into his eyes he seemed happy to be where he was . It was better then where he’d been .
He was charming the nurses and making friends with his roommates And even though my life long aches for my father we not going to come To fruition at least he was happy , high on life and not in pain . I guess we would be feeling that part on our own . He will never know the pain I’m in right now , the tears i cry daily and the struggles I’m facing . Im not sure if he is getting off easy or just lucky . But sitting there telling him that zoe his grand daughter (he really doesn’t even know ) is about to have his great grand baby boy “ Caelum” it was like a bit of information about some person that really had no affect on his day to day life . He just cracked a Little smile nodded his head and asked me How her boyfriend wesley was taking it all …. wesley is my brother in law not zoes’ boy friend …. its over … the chance of being able to share any of these amazing or tragic moments in my life with my dad are never going to happen … you asshole !!!! What happened to the man in the truck that night that was singing frosty the snowman with all his kids loving every minute of it . Alcohol and a tragic ending to our days at Blue point ….
Chat Conversation End
|
Moving Sideways 
Recent Comments